The Man With Two Wives ~ Part 1

The Man With Two Wives ~ Part 1

I’d like to tell you the story of the man with two wives. His first wife is Jenny. One day she came home from an awful day work and ready to fire at anything that moved. Her patience that was usually the size of a pumpkin had shrunk to the size of a pea. When she walked in, she saw her husband sitting on the couch with their son, engrossed in practicing on his newly purchased guitar. He nodded a quick hello barely looking up from his music. Clearly out of control, she charged through the living room, angry that he didn’t acknowledge her entrance with more enthusiasm. Can’t he see what an awful day she had at work? When he finished his song, she challenged him, “What do you think? Am I just invisible? You can’t even say hello when I walk in!” If she was looking to be visible and heard, by now she certainly succeeded! If she was looking for some kind of compassion, what do you think she got? Not much. Instead she got a silent non-committal stare that just fueled her disappointment.

Let’s take apart what happened here. Jenny subconsciously processed this event in what I call the Internal Chain of Command.

Jenny walks in and sees her husband sitting on the couch next to her son and playing the guitar. This is simply a pure observation, simple data. However, when he doesn’t say “hi” as enthusiastically as she would like, she processes that data in her ultra sophisticated, well-oiled, top of the line and highly experienced unconscious Fantasy Filter and out pops her Story. Now her story is pure fiction filled with thoughts that lead to her internal feelings and emotions and sounds something like this.

“When he doesn’t say hello to me the way I want him to, I feel invisible, unworthy and sad. I’m not loveable.” See, in the past, some people who were important to her didn’t acknowledge her the way she wanted and so she started believing that if people didn’t acknowledge her all the time, she wasn’t visible, and if she wasn’t visible, she didn’t exist, and if she didn’t exist it’s because she wasn’t worthy of love. Unable to love herself from the insides, she needed outside acknowledgement to feel valuable, visible, loveable, and happy.

Consequently, Jenny is feeling like a victim out of control and when we feel like a victim, conflict is a faithful partner and anger is a common reaction. Now Jenny is fuming mad and boy is her husband going to hear about it. Was feeling more loved the result she is looking for? Yes. Was it the one she got? Nope. All she got was a defensive husband and more bickering.
Her angry reaction provoked the exact result she needed to reinforce her belief that she was indeed invisible, unheard and unlovable, and of course, now she has collected more evidence of her belief. Her disappointment was justified and she’s really feeling worthless! Plus, she has more evidence that she is indeed, not always lovable. Of course, we know that isn’t true, but we collect so much self-created evidence that we take it for being the TRUTH with a capital T.

Be honest.
Has this or something similar ever happened to you?

Stay tuned and meet wife number 2 tomorrow.

I’m so glad you are here! If you liked this post, please leave your comments and feel free to share it with family and friends. And be sure to download my Free Report on Cultivating Communication.

To Your Communication Mastery!

Deb

If you’re frustrated at not being heard, feel like your needs are not being met or you say “Yes” when you really want to say “No” and take things personally, then you should definitely contact me today about my innovative online Compatibility Index. In less than 60 minutes, I can tell you exactly why you are no longer feeling compatibility with your partner, why you are struggling in your conversations and give you tips and strategies for communicating your needs and desires confidently, elegantly and guilt-free!

www.debdutilh.com

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16 Responses to The Man With Two Wives ~ Part 1

  1. Peggy Nolan says:

    Deb – as soon as I saw your link in the facebook stream, I knew I had to read it. Why? Because I think you would be a fabulous guest teacher on my tele-seminar series, Be Your Best Self.

    Please email me at peggy at thestepmomstoolbox dot com and let me know if you are interested. Your expertise is so appropriate for my audience – women in the stepmom role!

    Thanks!!
    Peggy
    Peggy Nolan recently posted…The Real Truth Behind Integrating A StepFamilyMy Profile

  2. Sojourner says:

    This is a very familiar scenario- yikes! I have been guilty of this from time to time most definitely. I love the way you narrated this piece.
    Sojourner recently posted…PLATFORM by: Sojourner WalkerMy Profile

  3. Deanna says:

    Great story to illustrate positive communication. Excellent post. I’ll be back for the rest of the story!
    Deanna recently posted…Using Your Department of Veteran Affairs Health Care BenefitsMy Profile

  4. Lisa Mallis says:

    Ahh – the FANTASY FILTER! So true! So many times I find myself taking one comment, look, or situation and making up an entirely new reality! :) It’s like there are two parallel tracks running – what’s actually happening and what I believe is happening! Good news – is I often catch myself before things get a bit “out of control”. Can’t wait for part 2!

    Lisa
    Lisa Mallis recently posted…If You are Frustrated by Your Endless To-Do List, Try ThisMy Profile

    • Deb says:

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It’s so easy to automatically make up a tall tale, isn’t it? I’m sure you’ll enjoy Part 2.

  5. Rainbow Hues says:

    Now I really want to know the story of wife number 2. I will be back tomorrow….

    This one is interesting and so very relatable. Thanks
    Rainbow Hues recently posted…The ChallengerMy Profile

  6. Ohhh, how we get away from ourselves at times! Practicing mindfulness and deep breathing help whenever I feel a “rush” coming on like this to keep my *evil twin* under control. Great article! Loved your narration and the fluidity of it. Can’t wait to read more!
    Penny McDaniel recently posted…Animal Totems As A Spiritual ToolMy Profile

  7. This Diva says:

    Wow, uncontrolled anger can be a beast! This post really makes one sit back and reflect.

  8. Doree Weller says:

    Very interesting post, and put in a logical, clear way. Thanks for the post!
    Doree Weller recently posted…Watered Down VillainsMy Profile

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